I
thought tonight would be a good night to do a blabbing post. Where I just talk about anything and everything that is on my mind.

Right now in life I don't know if you could say I'm completely satisfied with where I am, or if I'm searching for something new.  I've always been the same old Kelsey. I guess I'm just looking for a little spontaneity in this life. I don't want to focus on earthly things, but I do want to have a lot of clean fun while I'm still here. I feel like I have accomplished a lot, but that a lot was things that were for myself. MVP of a sport, best actress, superior in singing... sure those things are nice. I always said that I give my talents to God, and I did. I just feel like I need to do something more. Something where I am not given a reward, and in a way God is the only one who is rewarded.

My dream of Africa is coming true. On this journey though, I want to be working for God every second. I don't want to be rewarded for going to Africa, but I want God to be the one rewarded through my actions. For once I just want to be completely self-less. Completely humble. Completely seeking after God's face. Can you imagine this world if everyone did that all the time... it would be incredible. I can't wait to see the faces of those I get to help. That is going to be the greatest reward I can receive. When you help someone, it's the most amazing feeling in existence. I can't wait for the look of "you are doing this for me." I want to help people so bad.

I have felt like so often that people would come up to me and just really talk to me about how I am doing. I need a Christian friend right now to hold me accountable. To see me through this. Someone to push me along. To call me and just say Kels how are you doing. I've said this in so many blogs too... I guess I always thought that this valley would gradually go away and I could climb out of it, but now I know for sure that there is no way I can do it without support and prayer.

On 7/7/07 it was the 7 month anniversary of my sister's death. I was at home with my best friend, and we were up until 5:40. We stayed up past the time that Ashton would have died. I could hear her just running up and down the stairs, getting ready, and I could see her in my head driving down the road to the school. I just thought if I could see her that morning and talk to her what would I say. I already knew that she would die.. would I tell her... would I just let her drive away.. would I just follow and watch her. If I could've talked to her that morning I decided I wouldn't tell her she was going to die because either way it was her time to go. Instead I think, I would just run to her and hug her like I've wanted to soo often. Just listen to the sound of her voice. Probably break down crying. I think I would follow her just to know everything that happened too. However, morbid it sounds. I want to know why she crashed and what actually happened. Gosh, I just miss her soo much. There's a lot of times where I just wait for somebody to say the perfect thing that is going to change everything or even make me feel a little better... nothing can change what has happened though.

Last part of my blog... and best part of the blog... I just wanted to spend a little while thanking one of my friends. There's a country song by Tracy Lawrence and these lyrics couldn't describe this friend more

Everybody wants to slap your back

Wants to shake your hand

When you're up on top of that mountain

But let one of those rocks give way

And you slide back down

Look up and see who's around then

This aint where the road comes to an end

This aint where the band wagon stops

This is just one of those times when

A lotta folks jump off.

You find out who your friends are

Somebody's gonna drop everything

Run out and crank up their car

Hit the gas, get there fast

Never stop to think "what's in it for me?"

Or "it's way too far"

They just show on up

With their big ol' heart

you find out who your friends are.

When the water's high

When the weather's not so fair

When the well runs dry

Who's gonna be there?

This friend has been there to cry with me, to sit by me and be silent. She always knows my mood and what I'm feeling. This is the type of friend who will stay up with you at 5:40 in the morning talking about everything in life to be talked about. I have never found a better friend in my life. Someone so self-less, someone so loving, who would give up everything they had just for you. When my sister died, I ran to this friend. When I needed to talk this friend was there. It is such a coincidence that I only found this friend a couple of months before my sisters death, yet God knew how much I would need a friend like her. I know that if I need anything she would crank up her car and drive an hour just to sit with me. When I've been at my lowest this was the friend who was sitting next to me crying. She has felt and shared my pain, and is not afraid to feel the awkwardness that comes along with this situation. Never for a second has she thought what is in it for me, rather, she gave everything to be such an amazing friend to me. Thank you so much Jenny for being there. You are the most incredible person I've ever met in my life. Your not only a friend who will cry with me, but a friend I've laughed more with than anyone in my life. In the world of friends, you are so rare. I can't tell you enough how much you mean to me, and how incredible you are.

Kels